Blessed?

Cory is practically perfect. Gah.

I was having issues when I woke up this morning and I forgot my medicine at home and my mum had already left for St. Louis on Saturday and he drove down to my dad's to get me and take me to go get more.

He didn't have to do that (although it was getting pretty bad and I'm sure I'd still be in the bathroom when my dad got home).

He takes such good care of me, I don't really deserve it. But I love him so much and I'm glad we're together.

Camisado

My friends are falling apart as well and it's tearing me apart.

I want to help them, but....

I don't know what to do.

I wish I could hug you guys and never let go.

I wish I could snap my fingers and maybe the problems can be more bearable.

Ugh....

The Kids Aren't Alright

You know how when you are face with a situation that affects your entire life and you can't seem to let go and after spending a lot of time of healing and making yourself better and you finally let go? I was almost there.

I was finally ready to let go and stop letting him affect me as much as he did. I was ready to move on and be happy with my friends and Cory. I spent all of Monday not seeing him. I didn't see him in the morning before school, during passing periods or open mods. It was bliss. I had forgotten him for just that day.

Then that night he appeared in my dream. A dream similar to the ones I thought I was done having.

Right when I'm completely through and he's finally gone from my life, somehow, he still weaseled his way back in. No thought of him all day and there he was, waiting for me in my dreams.

All the hard work I did in trying to fight back in my dreams, rejecting him, changing the fate of dreamself. Out the window.

I want to move. If not for my sake, then for Cory's. I hate making him worry and having him be upset about me. He doesn't deserve that. He's been so wonderful to be, despite the anxiety and the fears and worries. The random outbursts and the anger when he does things that I shouldn't be mad about.

And all my friends. I've made so much progress. I don't want to deteriorate now. Especially since I'm coming up to a year after I escaped and the event.

Nyx, please help guide me through this. I dont' want to lose now... Please...

Body Shaming

Ok, so I'm scrolling through Tumblr and I come across this post

And lemme tell you, both those phrases are offensive.

I have bigger friends and they are beautiful and wonderful human beings. They eat very healthy and enjoy a nice snack like they should. They are at healthy weights and that's all that matters.

I on the other hand, am 96lbs at 5'1". Red Cross wants me to be 135lbs to donate blood at my age in my state. That's pushing unhealthily overweight for me. I have been trying to gain weight for the past year, once breaking 100lbs. I understand I'm skinny, no I don't like it, no your comments don't help, fuck off. Like "get some meat on your bones"? Double standards don't help people. You want bigger girls to be as skinny as the photoshopped models in magazines whose waistlines don't exist and you want skinny girls that have 23-24-25in waistlines to be bigger and I don't understand that. Why can't we be we and you be you and you care about your own gawddamn weight and eating habits and I'll worry about mine.

If you are this person that says this stuff, you have no right to talk or meet me.

The ONLY time I care about someone's eating habits is when they DON'T EAT ANYTHING AT ALL DURING THE DAY FOR MULTIPLE DAYS. That is the ONLY unhealthy eating habit I care about because your body does NOT  function WITHOUT FOOD. So if you don't eat because people are assholes and you're trying to please their standards, please think for a second and ask yourself why you're doing that. If you're a bigger person and you want to lose weight FOR YOU, then there are healthier means of going about that. First step is less CALORIES. Not less food. Watch calorie intake but also be mindful of your vitamin and mineral intake because getting those are important too. Eating less calories is a good start for those who aren't as active as some. There are a multitude of products that are lower calories and there are endless cookbooks and recipes for you to try.

The main thing I want to get across is don't judge others' weights and please eat REGARDLESS of your size. We need you in this world to make it brighter. ^_^

The Only Exception (Better Fit This Time)

Happy post (and first one in forever)

(Stay the Night doesn't count because that was meant for beginning on November)

Honestly, I don't know how I'd be without my friends and Cory in my life. I love them all to bits and pieces.

Kristin has been one of my closest "female" friends I've ever had. Now they're one of my closest gender queer friends and they are such a beautiful person so full of potential and life. I send my biggest positive vibes to them because they have so much to give.

Ren has been the best bitch in my life and has helped me so much after the whole ordeal. They've taught me so much and introduced me to so many new people.

Joey is my best friend in the whole world and helps me keep sane, even with our "yeps" and "oks". We talk about anything and everything despite our gender differences. GAH I can't think of stuff to say how much I appreciate having him as a friend.

Hap, Sam, Jesse, and so many others are such great inspirations in my life and I love you all! <3

And Cory is such a great boyfriend. Gah... He treats me so nicely and like I am a dragon and rehuiafjcds

I just can't think of words to say how much I love him.

I know there's the inevitability of breaking up at the end of the school year, but I want to enjoy it now, while we're together.

Gosh, he's so good to me. I don't deserve him sometimes.

Stay the Night

It's been kind of a crazy week..?

Nebkon was a blast! I got to meet Dan and hang out with Ren and a few others. I got to see old friends like Joel and Ephrim.

Friday evening was crazy because we were waiting for Marc and Ren's dad before we had to go to Nebkon. We spent most of our time in the dealer's room after Ren got their badge.

Saturday was even crazier. We got to Nebkon and I had my stuff with Marc and the first thing they did was go in the dealer's room, by themselves. Well, they freaked out because they were alone and so they went to Burger King to find a friend and so Ren and Dan had to go on a wild goose chase to get my stuff back from them. We eventually did. While Marc was with their friend, Ren, Dan, and I went in the dealer's room again and I found my friends Trent, Trace, and Hannah. I hung out with Trent and Ren and Dan walked around. I had lost Ren and Dan and so me and Trent went looking around when we found them in a small circle of chairs with Dan holding Ren and rubbing their back. Ren's ex was at Nebkon and they had seen him and started to panic. We all (including Trent) guided Ren safely out of the dealer's room and into the registration lobby. We were standing there when Mickey and others were walking by and he saw Trent. He ran towards him and Trent picked him up. Then they went off to go home or drop a friend off, I can't remember.

Long story short (I got tired of typing), Trent picked me up like Mikey, I yelled at him because my skirt flew up. Then Cory met us in Trent's hotel room, we playe CAH, I went to pick up a card on the floor, my skirt flew up again, we all laughed except Cory, he got butthurt, then we went down to the rave, Ren and Dan went home early, Marc and Cory put our stuff in his truck, I was dancing, I made out with two girls, I left, and me and Cory banged. Then things were all hunky-dory since then.

Sorry this post took so long. I got distracted and school happened. So yea.

Fuuuuuu.........

I was just scrolling through Facebook when I saw a friend's post. It was a picture saying "Comment a date that changed your life" and she had posted two dates concerning her boyfriend.

Well, reading the comments I saw -his- comment.

It stated "02.04.14 got detained for sexual assault i didn't commit and dumped and an attempt on my life"

The "attempt on his life" part is a friend put him in a choke hold out of frustration after I had told him what had happened. He told me later he shouldn't have done that.

But what makes me so mad is the fact that he still denies what he's done. He thinks that he's the victim and that I didn't get hurt.

*sigh* I'm gonna curl up and cry. I can't talk to Cory because Facebook locked him out and he's grounded from his phone currently.

It's Almost Halloween

(Actual Panic! At The Disco Song)

Halloween is today (didn't realize I'm still up past 11:30pm).

I'll be going as a bit of Harley Quinn today for school, Sailor Jupiter for Nebkon Saturday, and I'll wear a pretty silver Chinese dress Sunday.

I'm excited because I'm seeing friends again as well as meeting new ones (like Dan).

Uhmmmm...

Me and Cory are something.... 

I don't know what we are right now. Kristin said we're comfortable best friends. I don't know. But I kind of like not knowing where we stand with each other. It makes me less anxious. 

I think I have some "relationship anxiety". I had the same issues with Slade and Camren. But I do want to be next to him.

Grayson got him to smoke e-cigs... I hate it... He said he doesn't smoke much and he's gotten better since he started (he used to carry it on his person now it stays in his car). I still don't like it. I'm trying to quit. Drinking I'm trying to keep minimal (except for maybe this weekend). I don't know.

I broke down pretty bad Tuesday night and only talked to Cory about it (or rather, the part where I was still anxious about g and not the whole "I miss sitting next to your stupid face and messing around").

Then I broke down again Thursday morning.

I went to sit next to Cory and talk to him and friends and g came over before I got a chance to even speak a word and I broke. I was still crying after first mod. I was finally able to talk to him during passing period. We were both late to class, but he said I was more important. 

I know I'm not that important... but... I don't know... I'm tired and I have to be ready for Nebkon this weekend. 

Night.

<3

Immortals

I am now 18....

This is crazy!

There's so much I can do....

Yet.... It doesn't feel right.

I dunno.

Everything is just gonna be so different.

TiMER

So.... a friend of mine suggested that I watch TiMER, a movie about finding soul mates.

What happens is that scientists created this timer that used sensors in your dominant arm to count down when you'll meet "the one". It only counts down to the midnight before you meet them. Then, when you make eye contact, the timers are suppose to beep.

Well, the ending made me bawl my eyes out because it wasn't exactly happy.

Now I'm laying here, 2 1/2 hours into my 18th birthday, pondering the movie and just....

I wanna find my stardust mate, but I also want to do casual things and I just....

I don't know how to feel.

It was a great movie and I suggest everyone watch it.

20 Dollar Nose Bleed

My ex is still an idiot.

His girlfriend doesn't help.

My friends are insensitive.

My anxiety is through the roof.

My knife is still under my pillow.

Still not sure my boyfriend fully understands my anxiety with him.

Afraid of losing friends.

Ugh.....

Oh, btw, here are those confessions I mentioned about, oh, in the summer....

"I'm an idiot.

I just want to be hugged and never let goed by that one person, but who are they and where are they at? I want to know...

I don't know if I still love g, but I do know my heart still races every tiem I see his face or name.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think about having a sexual relationship with Slade, but I know in my soul it's not right. But I still wonder...

I want to lay in bed with them and sleep all my troubles away.

Camren is a cutie and I would like to know what it would be to truly date him, but it turns me off that he doesn't have a car or a job and it makes me feel awful. I'm just an awful friend and no one should trust me. They should all leave me alone.

I know Hap just wants to be friends, but I really do have the biggest crush on him as well as a record of having trouble letting things go, but in my mind, he's just perfect and he's been so nice to me...

I dream of bumping into my stardust mate, but it will never happen, but I still dream.

I hate myself.

I'm so scared of my future. I don't know if I'll make it. I know I could never be a stay at home mum.

I want someone to cuddle with and just shower me with love. I guess I'm just so lonely...

I keep dreaming about guys that will treat me with respect and lots of love, but I have doubts that they will ever come true and that I won't find someone who was meant for me...

I keep thinking about hurting myself or attempting again because I keep thinking about how utterly useless I am to anyone."

I might add new confessions and post them on here later. 

I'm going to my aunt's again so there might definitely be new ones on here.

Name Changes

So, I'm thinking of re-titling my blog and changing the url soon. It believe it's finally time for a change and what better way than to change stuff and make it fitting for the present.

Well Fuck...

So after going a nice long streak of not having any bad nights, I have a fucking NIGHTMARE with him in it.

It started out with a bad day at work, blah blah, then I went home and I lived in this strange house and Cory and he were there. Cory left to somewhere else in the house to do something and left me and him alone in a room. Then he started just coming and hanging over me and would force himself upon me. I started freaking out and ran in the house to get away. He followed me and I kept running and screaming for help. I don't know where Cory went, but he was no longer there. I was trapped. I was screaming and crying and I fell to the ground. He got ontop of me and would press himself against me and I just tried to claw my way from under him and I was just panicking and crying and screaming to the top of my lungs and I was trapped. There was no escape what's so ever.

I woke up and just had the worse morning I could ever have possible.

I just....

I don't know...

When the Day Met the Night

So this past weekend was soooo fun! I got to hang out with Cory and he got to meet Ren and he's is Ren approved!!!!

They were in robotics before together and so they knew each other a bit before hand.

OH! I asked Ren was his aura colour was and she said he was a blue. Blue auras was pleasing people to be around. You hang out with them and you just feel calm and you just feel homey around them. She also said that blue and yellow auras go very well together which makes me happy and gives me some hope.

~Gyaaaaaaa!~

Then Ren and I convinced Cory to get a tumblr as well because Ren was showing me how to code and change my theme on there (which looks FABULOUS!!!!) and Cory just loved the coding.

I'm just all gyaa~!

hguasih;dzuifagd (finger spasm)

He's so nice and respectful to me... He literally is all "What's ok and what's not ok to do?" "If there's anything wrong, just tell me, ok?"and is just dskfhakjd. So much communication. TuT I love it and I just.. appreciate him soooooo much (I don't want to say love yet because I don't think I'm ready for that yet...) Yea!

The Only Exception

So... Friday after school, Cory dropped me off at my mum's work. Before I got out of his truck,  he wanted a kiss. So I offered him the top of my head because that's what he normally does. But he said no and grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips. I was shocked...

I went to work and forgot about it because we got busy. I thought he was upset with me, but rather he was upset about himself because he thought he was going too fast. But we're all good now. Gonna hang out with him tomorrow. <3

Game Club Almost Success but Otherwise Great Things!

So, first order of business, I'm no longer single. I'm dating a fantastic guy named Cory and I'm very happy. He respects me and my friends and cares for me so much. He also compliments me a lot more than what I'm used to and has yet to say anything is my fault or that my flaws are... huge things that are bothersome. Thursday was two weeks... This is exciting...

Now, today was the first day of Game Club and our teacher sponsor talked to both me and him about being president, and he wanted us both to be presidents so we agreed on that. But during the "lecture", he was standing very close to me. He also said my name in discussion about bouncers.... It was strange. I tried to block it out of my head and just focus on the club since we had a lot of people sign up and show up to this meeting. We're suppose to have an officials meeting on Wednesday.

But yea. Still having some problems with a friend...

But yea...

WHEN I CAN'T ART

Ok, so that post I was gonna type up, I never got to it because ART but I will hopefully type it? Soory (especially to you Kristin!)

OK OK OK OK

SO I KEEP TELLING KRISTIN THAT I WILL TYPE A POST ABOUT SOMEONE AND I KEEP FORGETTING SO I WILL RIGHT IT FRIDAY WHEN I WAKE UP AND BEFORE I GO TO WORK BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL THEN. SO SORRY GUYS THAT I HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE. I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY WITH SCHOOL AND WORK AND SLEEP AND YOUTUBE. I STILL NEED TO GET DRAWINGS DONE AND WHATNOT. HOLY FUCK.

Ain't It Fun

Ugh.

Today in Fashion, I noticed I lost one of my Captain America earrings. Great... My favourite pair too.

Then mod 13, he was opened with me. Fine.

But then his girlfriend was open as well and sat next to him. Fine.

But when she tried to talk, he put his hands on her mouth to silence her. She tried to continue to talk. Then he forcefully kissed her and was pressing kinda hard against her and they didn't come up for air for about two minutes. Then I was talking to Cory and my phone died and I was done. (Refer to Tangent 2 later in post).

I grabbed Kristin and we left because I couldn't handle it anymore.

I started bawling. Then we went into the bathroom and when it cleared out, I punched the half wall in there on the metal top part. I scraped one layer of skin of my middle finger.

Then we walked towards the E&T IMC and classrooms and stood in that hallway to talk some more. Thn Cory came out of class and we went to the library to sit down for two minutes. I felt better after that and had a great day at work.

TANGENT 2

So I'm not quite sure if I like Cory. I haven't given it much thought yet. I also don't know if he likes me. There are little signs, but I don't want to over think it. I dunno. We have been talking a lot more recently and he let's me rest my legs on his lap and we've been doing computer stuff, like he showed me some cool stuff on photoshop and I showed him SourceFed Animated Adventures. We've also been snapchatting more. I don't know...

*sigh*

So that was my day.

Build God, Then We'll Talk

(seemed like a good title)

So I tried binding today. It looked and went well except for the whole using bandages and it sliding a bit.

For those who know me in real life and have me on Facebook, I try and post what gender I am in the morning, just to inform people and let them know before they come talk to me.

There are a few friends who won't call Kris by Kris and use male pronouns because it might "confuse" them and it makes me angry because they're not even trying and if they're really his friends, then they should at least respect him and try. I make it a 110% effort to call Kris by the right name and pronouns because I respect him and love him as a friend so much and I know this is who he is. I know I make mistakes, but I correct myself and know I still have some work to do.

Makes me so mad...

So more effort on friends and less effort on trying to find that one person. I'm lonely, yus, but I need to stop worrying and just focus on sniffing out bullshit and helping the people that spew it out.

Still Into You

Quikie update.

So I found out that my crush is dating someone now.

I'm kinda...

I don't know.

I guess I'm just really upset, but I don't know why I'm so upset over it.

Like, I'm to the point of crying.

I'm happy for him, but...

I just need to stop getting so attached to people that I have only crushes on.

Another Me

So, as I was taking my shower, I was thinking about names.

I have come out to some people as gender fluid. If you don't know what that is, you obviously have internet so research it.

But yea, so I figured that female shall me Evie, male shall be Evers, and neutral shall be Evs.

I know I could've gone by my given name since it's unisex, but I love my nickname and wanted to make names based off of that.

So yea. There's that.

I get paid Friday and I have to buy a graphing calculator for Calc and my mum is making me put away $50 every paycheck for food for work.

I wanna new jacket... I want more fandom stuff...

I want to turn 18 so I can buy stuff.

Sugar, We're Going Down

So, I've had a few days of classes and they're going good for now. Chemistry looks like it's gonna be fun this year and I'm gonna be a lot better about doing my homework this year.

I missed all my friends. Kristin and Sam the most. The one person that I wouldn't want to be the last one on Earth with me (because then I'd be stuck with them) is obviously still there, but he's there quite a bit in my schedule. Hopefully that'll change when Metro starts up again.

My anxiety has gone up in the last few days from just seeing him, but hopefully it'll go down again and I can go through the school year with as few of anxiety attacks as possible.

I don't know if work is gonna help out a lot, especially since they've been scheduling me quite a bit. I did however request my birthday weekend off and Nebkon weekend off, so two weekends off is gonna be a nice break (especially with Nebkon).

I've also been doing quite a bit of drawing recently. I've gotten three drawings of friends done. The friends being Kristin, Ren, and Ari. Sam, Hap, and few other friends are next and I'm hoping to get more friends to request stuff as it's helping me develop my drawing style and getting a lot of practice in.

I hope the school either helps me, or I can help myself get my drawing tablet configured to my school laptop so I can draw on Photoshop on there as it has a lot more tools than FireAlpaca so I can do more cool stuff with my drawings and do stuff I wanna do for homework (I know I have an art assignment at some point soon for my Humanities class and I wanna draw stuff).

So, uhm, yea. There's a quickie update for you.

OH YEA, I can't remember if I posted about being discharged from therapy, but yea, that happened.

...

He's sitting across from me and all I feel like doing right now is crying...

The Phoenix

(Fall Out Boy title ftw)

So, here I am, officially a senior in high school. Though the school messed up, I started it with a new attitude. Punk. Tomorrow will be nerd. But these past few days have been interesting. I was talking to Ren on Monday and we were talking about auras and Phoenix phases and it was great. She said I had a bright sunshiny yellow aura that just brightens the room and I was just gyaa~. She also told me about her Phoenix phases and they were really interesting and I haven't had one quite like she had, but I had my own mini version. I'm loving myself a lot more and I'm making more of an effort to make things great and stuff.

In 10 weeks I'll be 18 years old which mean my YouTube channel will be hopefully up and running with videos and there will be some changes to this blog!

Another note is that Ren showed me an app called My Fitness Pal and it's great for your weight and dietary needs and I'm using it and I showed my friend Kristin it and I've been using it and following it and it's great to know what I need to eat and how much. But yea.

I'll post like sketch drawings later because I have a new idea for a tattoo instead of my simple original one. But yea. School has started and I'll be an adult soon. Yay!

Temporary Bliss (pt2)

So, today we went to Six Flags and spent about an hour and a half in the water park. Well, the park didn't open till 10:30 and there were a group of four guys next to us. After we left the water park portion to go around the amusement park side, I left on my own to go on some rides since my sister didn't want to. I went on this one ride and got behind the same group of four guys. They asked me to ride with one of them and I did and started small talk with them. After the ride was over, we went our separate ways. I went to go on one roller coaster and when I was exiting, they saw me and called me out. I waited for them and told them I might as well join them. They were a lot of fun to hang out with. Acted like friends at home. The blonde kid name Isaac was pretty cute, but he was taken. Then the twins Matthew and Michael were nice, but Michael had problems going on some roller coasters. Then there's Brendan. The biggest flirt in the whole group. Really nice and flirtatious. We held hands for the most part and then towards the end, he started holding me and putting his arm around my waist. He would hold me from behind. We went on one ride where you get on a small boat that can fit four and you ride around in a dark tunnel and shoot at lights and stuff. It's based on Scooby-Doo. Waiting in the line, he would hold my hand, put his arm around my waist, in the building he would hold me from behind. He would look down my shirt while holding me from behind, but it didn't bother me much. What bothered me was the possibility of what could happen while we were on the ride. I didn't want anything going past second base (I did offer him a boob grab earlier in another line for a ride). We went on it (the second time. This time without Isaac, Matt, and Mike). We sorta cuddled and it was really nice. He then asked me where his kiss was and we did. He was pretty good at it. I got his number now and his snapchat and I'm still talking to him.

I dunno how I feel right now. I guess I'm just hoping this just doesn't turn into a booty call in the future. Being held like that made me feel better from my lonely mood I've been having. I was smiling and blushing and having a great time with them. I'm kinda sad it didn't go on for longer.

Temporary Bliss

(Oh look! Song title. It's by The Cab. I love them. Second favourite after Panic! At The Disco
and before Fall Out Boy)

Any who...

Do you ever dream about bumping into that dream person? Dreaming about how perfect they would be with you and all the things that would go right and how you'd try not make the same mistakes as in your past. How you'll overcome obstacles in each other's lives and how you just feel like life couldn't get any better? I've been doing a lot of that recently. Maybe it's part of that "feeling lonely" stuff. I don't know. All I do know is they feel as I titled this. But that's all it is and I know nothing like what I dream about will ever happen to me...

Speaking of dreaming, he's showed up in my dreams again (and when I talk about this dreaming, it's sleep dreams. The others are day dreaming). We were actually getting along and laughing and having fun. Then the usual finally happened and the fun and games ended and turned into personal gain and control. Then I woke up. It makes me frustrated that, this long after we broke up and this late in the summer and how close we are to school, he still manages to show up in my mind. And it's the nights preceding the days where he never even crossed my mind. I don't know. Oh well.

My vacation is almost over and school is about to start so new stresses will arise and make me suffer even more.

Confessions

Last night I actually didn't go to bed right away when my mum asked me to. I got my phone to charge next to the bed so I turned the flashlight on and doodled in my notebook. Then on the very last page on the back side I wrote at the top Confessions and wrote a total of six last night. Each one was about a different person or a different thought. I might type them up later when I can type them up without anyone seeing. But other than that, not much has been going on because I haven't been home for over a week.

Return of Fuckface

So I flew out to St. Louis to visit my family yesterday and I got in at about 10:30. The day hadn't even finished yet and I was laying on the couch on my computer when I notice I got a friend request. It was from someone called "Thisis Anapology". My heart dropped because I feared it was him. I accepted and I was just gonna ignore it, but I went to go message them asking who it was just in case when I see this long message he had sent to me. It was an apology from him also with the request to be friends again. He claimed he only wanted me to be ok, to be strong and that involved him getting out of the picture. I will post the screen shots.

And now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. Multiple people have told me that the best decision is to just keep him out of my life completely but I'm still not sure what I want. Making this decision would be easy, just do what my friends say, but when I loved someone for four years and then kicked them out of my life because I realized all the awful things he's done to me, it's the hardest decision I have to make.

Lovely Dreams

So the dreams are getting more creative.

Last night, the first thing that happened in my dream was that both he and Slade were trying to call me and I decided to see what he wanted to say. He started calling me sweetie and his darling and I hung up. Then there was this whole card shop scene and it was with a friend and not important. Then there was this whole school scene with him that I can't remember. Then we finally got together and I cussed him out about the earlier phone call. He ended up holding me and he was playing this game and he was matching up these creatures together like breeding pairs and he told me to wait and he called his girlfriend over and through that game he broke up with her and then told her he wanted to be with me.

All my dreams end up with us back together and it's gotten annoying. I had one earlier (like last week or something) but I ignored it. I always day dream about this wonderful person who wants to date me and everything is right and we care about each other and it's basically everything that didn't happen with mine and Grayson's relationship. I don't know.... I should take a shower and get back to the guitar that I was meant to learn over the summer.

Oh Memories, Where'd You Go?

Yay, more recurring dreams...

I hate it so much. Why do I keep dreaming about us getting back together. It's never gonna happen. That was all in the past.

We were sitting in a circle with friends playing a game, and I was holding onto his arm like how I used to and how I like to cuddle sometimes with people. It was a game where people got eliminated and we were down to maybe six people and he got out and I hurried up to get out to so I wouldn't have to let go. I was in that "I just want to cuddle and feel no other emotion" mood. He was in some kind of mopey mood. The whole dream, I held onto either his arm or hand. I never let go the whole time. We were sitting in the back seats of a SUV that so happened to be his car and we were laying on our stomachs and holding hands and he asked me if I wanted him back and then asked me if we could try something, and we very slowly kissed.

Am I still not letting go yet? Am I still trying to hold onto something that's no longer here, hoping it will be again but I know it's never gonna happen?

I can't talk to Joey because he's at a camp and Hap has already told me I deserve better.

I don't know how I feel guys. I don't know if I truly want him back or if I'm still having problems letting go of old habits.

Am I just lonely? Because that could be a possibility too.

*Lots of Sighs*

I still feel like shit. Ever since that dream, I've been kinda down. Joey's still up in Alaska and he won't be back till late Friday and then he'll be home Saturday (but I have to work) and then he leaves for camp on Sunday and he won't be able to talk at all then and I don't know what I'm gonna do. He basically has the power to make my head stop singing "knife" repeatedly. I've tried talking to other friends, but they don't seem to have the same effect. It's just awful.

Last night I was trying to get into my mail app on my phone and I accidentally pressed the yahoo messenger app and I logged into that and there's still bit of a chat left from Grayson. It was from December 2012. He was saying how he didn't deserve me. I shouldn't have gone on there. My yahoo is so full of him. I shouldn't have gone on there....

Blurgh....

I'm sorry guys. I'm a fuck up. I'm not good at anything. I hate my job. I'm too lazy. I don't know where my head is. I'm scared of everything. Sorry guys...

Fuck...

There goes my streak. 29 in total now.

Back (in Black)

The dreams are back. I should probably look back to see when my last one was...

They've gotten more.... Well, let's just do this.

I was at this party. It looked like it was taking place at my school. I was hanging out with a friend I knew a little who was agendered (I think). We were talking and they were saying how cute I was and I couldn't remember which one of us had a partner (I think it was them). But they were saying all that stuff and they tried to kissed me. I had to push them away and refuse them kindly. I walked away and he was there. In my dream, he and Jaden weren't together anymore and somehow I knew that. I walked to him and we started talking. Like normal. Kinda like before. I was leaning up against a table and he was standing in front of me when he kissed me. He kissed me like he wanted me. I let him kiss me. I welcomed it. Then I told him I wanted to go back to his place. It must've been winter or something, because the parking lot was really slippery. I was driving to get ready to follow him, but I couldn't stop and I just dented the back of his car. I got out and it was all ok and that's when I woke up. He was willing and I was willing... I thought my dreams were getting better...

I don't know what to do guys...

Strange Dreams

It had been a while since I last had a dream with him in it. It was weird because it wasn't like the others for the first time.

We were all at school and I had brought Hap to visit. Then there was an emergency thing going on, so we all had to go downstairs to the gym. The school wasn't set up like mine, but rather like the elementary school I went to. Our whole group was there. I was laying down, sleeping. Sometimes I would sleep on Hap. Then, somehow, I had Grayson's big, green camo jacket on. He was sitting a little away, playing some card game similar to magic. It was like Hearthstone but in physical form. His girlfriend Jaden would pop up from time to time. Sometimes I would wake up and look at him, and he would seem like he was crying. I eventually stripped from his jacket and in my half-awake stupor, I threw it back to him with my feet. I then fell asleep again on Hap. I finally woke up and apologized to Hap for sleeping on him, which he said it was ok. He was talking to Grayson and I was kinda mad. We all finally got to get up and go back to wherever we were. There would be times when Grayson would look at me like he missed me or he was crying about me. It was all very strange...

See, it was different as in he wasn't trying to get me back, I wasn't going back. I was with a friend I had made after him and I didn't want to go back. Improvement on one part. I just need to improve on the part where he becomes a background character and not the main focus.

So yea. I slept in till 1 today (I've only been awake for half an hour). I went to bed at about 4ish. It's started to get easier and easier to pull all nighters...

Late Night Tumblr Blogging

So I posted this last night on my tumblr because I knew I had way more friends that I knew for sure would read it on there. So here is a copy/paste

So I know most of you don't know me that well...

But, I wanted to make a post on here instead of my other blog. 

Umm….. I know it’s late and I should probably get some sleep… I’ve been staying up tonight to watch some more OITNB. But um… This past episode I saw, episode 9 of season two… Don’t worry, I’m not gonna post spoilers for those that are taking it slow. But um… It was the first episode that made me cry in a while. There’s this part and I don’t know if I’m just overly tired or if I’m actually this lonely. But I cried and I still feel like crying after I finished the episode. 

I don’t know what got into me. I thought things were going so well, but I guess not.

I guess things weren’t going well to begin with when, who I thought was a friend, started asking me about sex and trying to get me to do something that I didn’t want to do and I finally stood up for myself. But it was in a passive way. I just told him I’m demisexual and he hasn’t spoken since.

I guess the next thing was when my friend kissed me without my permission. Yes we were sort of cuddling, but that was just it. He knew that there was no hope with me. I didn’t want all the extra stress of constant worry of if he’s gonna hurt me, accidentally or not. He just turned to me and said “Please don’t slap me for this” and then kiss me. The scariest part, I went blank and kissed back. I’ve had this constant struggle of “Do I like him or not” and it is the main reason why I’m not with him. Sometimes I want to be with him and sometimes I don’t and I don’t want to put him or anyone in the kind of situation. That’s only gonna hurt them and I can’t deal with hurting anyone I care about. 

I guess the thing that might have pushed me though, is talking to my ex’s current girlfriend. She’s such a nice girl and she’s so sweet. She’s dealing with some mighty hefty deamons herself. I don’t know. While I was talking to her, I was so filled with anger and I felt so cold. I didn’t want to seem that way to her because she has done nothing wrong to me and she doesn’t deserve that attitude towards her. She seems happy in this and I just want people like her to be truly happy in their lives. I just felt so cold and I felt like I didn’t want to talk to her. I wanted to have a conversation though. I tried so hard to have one too. I guess it’s hard talking to the person that has the one you thought you loved for four years and you might think you’re still in love but you’re trying your best to get over things and move on and make things better for yourself.

I don’t know why I’m crying. I guess I still feel broken and I still have pieces to pick up. I’m probably lonely, seeing all my friends in relationships or friends having it “easy” with guys falling for them and they get flustered with the fact that they like ONE but still have the others around “just in case”.

I don’t know guys. I’m waiting. I’m definitely waiting for that one person. I’m not gonna spend my summer searching for that person. I’m just gonna wait. I have these weird feelings of like I can sense their soul and I can tell when they’re really close, but I haven’t met them yet. I guess it’s one of the things still keeping me hoping. Just hoping something good will come around and help me see this new light.

This has just turned into one big ramble.  I’m sorry guys. I’m just trying to deal with things instead of pushing them aside or hiding them away. The last time I did that, it didn’t turn out so well. I’m just trying to cope with things I never really dealt with in the first place.

Brain Mush

I'm apologising ahead of time if I seem kind of out of it. Uhmmmmm, there's a reason for that. Uhhhh....

So Slade came over to hang out. Uhh.. Before hand he didn't answer me and when I called, he was crying... And uhm, he then asked me for my address and then he just waltzed right in... We, uhh, went downstairs to hang out and we sat on the couch and played computer games. He taught me how to play Hearthstone and that was pretty fun I guess. Then we started talking about WoW (World of Warcraft) and I got on to show him my new little Pandarian warrior. Then I was doing some quests and he didn't like the way I was doing them so he took my computer and my mouse. He had his arm strung across me to use my mouse so by instinct I just sorta held on and we just sat like that. Him playing my character and me wrapped around his arm. And then we got off because it got to be 10:40 and he had to go and I was giving him this sideways, backwards hug and I just curled up again. Then he lifted me up and said "Please don't slap me for this" and then uhhh... he uhhhh........ he kissed me. Then we kissed again and my mind was just blank and he got up because he had to leave...

So now, here I am. Writing this in a state of daze and just so confused. I can't seem to make some of my parts function. My brain is scrambled and my legs barely want to move. I feel like I have to hang on to the counter now because I feel like I'm just gonna drop where I am. If you actually know me in real life and have a means to contact me, go ahead and do so. Please help me unscramble my head....

I can still feel it on my lips.........................................

Oh gawd........ Oh goddess Nyx....

*Gavin Noises*

Hey guys, long time (not really?). So yea, senior. That's cool.

Summer has started out pretty awesome, I guess.

Work has been going well. There was one customer who had a tattoo on her chest and she was wearing a low cut shirt and the tat was awesome looking and I thought it was cool. Then after she left, the customer behind her told us not to get tats like that because we shouldn't ruin our bodies like that and I was kind of upset because it wasn't his place to tell us that and it was kind of rude and disrespectful to her life choices. Then I was helping one customer out with his groceries and he saw my arms (It's hot and I had my sleeves rolled up a bit) and asked me if I hurt myself and by instinct I told that I have cats and he replied by how he hates cats and I pondered (still am) about how quickly and natural that response came out like they actually were cat scratches....

Facebook stuff, I started a BFT (Best Friend Tuesday) where every Tuesday I post pictures of one of my best friends and describe how much they mean to me. Uh... I unblocked Grayson, finally making steps to heal and recover and move on and forgive MYSELF for all the awful things that I'VE done to MYSELF because of SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS. I unblocked him a few days ago and today I think he realized it and blocked me instead. Asshole. I guess he's not moving on anytime soon.

I will get over this anxiety. I will get over this depression. I will get over these irrational thoughts and ignore the voice that puts me down. I want this and it will happen. I will make new friends. I will have fun and enjoy myself over this summer. I will enter school and a self confident senior that will take no jack-assery. I will make MY own choices and I will be PROUD. I will CHANGE MYSELF for the BETTER and be STRONGER than I was BEFORE. I will be there for my friends and PROTECT them from the harm because I realize how scary it is to have to face things ALONE. My scars are my BATTLE WOUNDS and they tell STORIES. Stories of how I went to HELL AND BACK THREE TIMES and how I SURVIVED. I will EDUCATE people on how they deserve BETTER than the assholery they have now.

Do NOT date someone because you are ALONE. Be with someone who makes you feel LOVED. LOVE them with HALF your heart because you DESTROY yourself if you give them ALL. You are YOUR OWN PERSON and DON'T EVER let someone TAKE IT AWAY. YOU are IN CHARGE of YOUR LIFE. YOU OPERATE the car, so DON'T pick up any BACKSEAT DRIVERS.

Your FRIENDS are your NUMBER ONES and should come BEFORE a NEW RELATIONSHIP. Make sure you LISTEN to the RED FLAGS that they put up because chances are they see ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE that you CAN'T SEE.

If they can't handle you at your WORSE, they don't deserve you. But the same goes VICE VERSA. Relationships COMPLEMENT like red and green and one should never OVERBEAR the other. Relationships are NOT about CONTROL. There should NEVER be "BUT YOU DID THIS HORRIBLE THING A YEAR AGO". You should NEVER be the VICTIM, but DON'T be the BULLY either. You both are EQUALS and are DIFFERENT. You both are HUMAN BEINGS.

Don't be mad forever, because it eats away at your soul. Be YOU. Because YOU is BEAUTIFUL. Treat others with RESPECT because you DON'T CONTROL them. Treat YOURSELF with RESPECT because you DESERVE it.

The End of All Things and More

So it's official. I'm a senior. I'm done with all my finals and they look pretty good. I feel like crying though.

I was sitting with Jaden and Alejandra under one of the trees in front of our school. They were talking and Jaden would talk about her depression and how she didn't care if she was killed in front of Grayson. I also learned that Grayson smokes now. Hypocrite....

Sometimes I want to smoke, but I don't want to make it a bad habit, let alone an addiction...

Today has just been a kinda off day I guess.

I didn't get to see many of my friends.... Oh well. I'll see some of them over the summer and next year.

Mad As Rabbits

So, the main thing for this post:
I was talking to Joey and we started the "ask ANY question" thing to get topics to talk about. Well... I asked him if it was normal that I was having "sexual fantasies" at my stage. Like after all the shit that happened.

I mean, it's weird. I've been more horny than "usual" and I keep dreaming and thinking and UGH!

It's so disgusting and awful and I'm no where to that point.

I don't know...

I put my swimsuit on yesterday to adjust the top for this summer. It felt weird. It's a push up top bikini swimsuit that's blue with white polka dots. I might post a pic. MIGHT.

Then all the memories of last summer came rushing through my head...

Going out to the lake with him and his family. Fourth of July fireworks at his grandparents and then getting hit by a firework...

Taking him to Milford to meet my family and oh gawd...... *hits head* Don't think about that....

*sigh* Don't cry today, Evie.....

She hasn't come back yet. I'm suppose to record things she says when she appears and then put tallies next to repeated things.

I'm also suppose to note triggers when I have my panic attacks, or at least try and note them when I notice them. I'm suppose to make a list of all the things that went wrong in mine and his relationship and all the horrible things he's done to me so when I feel like I'm "missing him", I can just look at that. I don't know how well that's suppose to work...

Finally, I need to work on exercises for when I do have panic attacks. It's called the five senses. Here's how it's suppose to work:

With sight: identify five things you see
With sound: identify five things you hear
With smell: identify five things you smell (harder one)
With touch: identify fives things you feel physically with your hands
With taste: identify five things you can taste (hardest one)
And if you're still not calm, do it all again, but going down, like 5,4,3,2,1.

Another thing she mentioned was releasing tension. Like I tense my whole body up and then release it at one body part at a time. Stretching is suppose to help with that too.

Slade update:
So many mixed feelings. I want to be there, but there's something putting me off. Like, I imagine dating him or other guys, but it feels strange and I think "but I don't see a future. I don't see anything but flirting around and being nice and hanging out. I don't see all the stuff that would be nice in a relationship". I mean, thinking about dating guys is normal. I grew up like that, but it still feels weird....
Dating guys... But then dating girls.... :) I don't know... Things are just sooooo UGH especially since school is almost over (3 days left!) and I just want to go out and forget everything that happened and fill my head with new thoughts and feelings and memories. Memories that are more powerful than the ones that cloud my mind...

So yea. School's almost done!

Words

Crap....

I'm guessing Slade didn't get my text last night because this morning he didn't seem like it bothered him or he didn't ask me about it.

He tried hugging me from behind and wrapping his arms around me and I couldn't take it. I had to shake him off and I think he felt a little hurt and was trying to ask me why but I just kept saying "no no no no no" very quietly.

I, once again, have brought my weapon to school and is in my pocket. I'm so tempted to use it today.

I did cut myself more last night in the shower. I took it and made long, slow cuts on my legs. Two on each leg. You can kind of see them considering I'm wearing shorts and thigh high socks that don't cover a good area between the two articles of clothing.

I see my therapist tomorrow. She's not gonna be happy that I went backwards instead of forward.

Why can't summer hurry up and get here.

I need a break...

Problemception

1) Having problems talking to Slade and now he's upset today
2) Had a manic episode last night. I wrote "no touching" "kein Berührung" (same thing in German) "no" "nein" "nope""hell nah" "stop" "halt"
3) Made four more cuts on me
4) When I sing, I sing like I'm in love, but not with Slade and I'm in love with someone else but I don't know who. Just the mysterious soul that keeps wanting to find me.

BAM! DONE

Suicide

So here is a list of suicidal thoughts I've had in the past. I thought I would share with you guys. Some of these are reoccurring too.

Falling backwards off my back deck
Jumping and landing head first off deck
Overdosing (attempted)
Drowning
Walking out to hwy 75
Stabbing self (almost attempted)
Stabbing self at school
Overdosing on ibuprofen then stabbing self (almost attempted)

Uhhh, I think that's it. I'll add more and edit this post if I think of more.

143? (And not Hap's 143...)

So I was laying in bed today being lazy, watching Netflix (finally got the password) and I was thinking. This time it wasn't dangerous thinking.

I was laying there thinking about my relationship with Slade.

And the thought "I love you Slade" came up. Said completely normal in my head.

I want to use that sparingly because when I say it, I want to mean it.

I've previously had thoughts about kissing him and just that.

There have been thoughts of doing other stuff but I just end up freaking out in the end.

I don't know. I just thought it was weird.

She Had The World

(Oh look, back to naming my posts after Panic! At The Disco Songs LIKE I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED)

So yea.

Uhm. So the Slade situation isn't going anywhere? I was more cuddly with him yesterday. Then as we were walking to his car after school he asked me why I didn't liked being touched. I told him it made me uncomfortable and then he asked me why and I gave my typical answer of "reasons".

It's kind of hard telling people what happened to me on such a casual basis. I mean, it's easier to tell people when they're people I actually want to tell and I for sure want to tell them.

I found a new weapon Thursday night. Two more added. I was talking to Zach after work because he was freaking out about his relationship and he just sounded so much like Slade. Willing to fight for the relationship. Put everything he is in it.

I don't know what I want... And I definitely don't see a future with Slade. Which should probably be even more reasons why I should end it with him.

What is wrong with me.... I'm such a horrible person...

Now let's talk about the main reason why I'm writing this post today.

The dreams are back again. Two of them.

The first one we were all sitting in the activity gym and and we had a small circle just talking and Grayson was in there. He said something and I had magically found the courage to talk to him. He had stopped me and told me to look at him. I did. The bell rang to indicate the mod was over and we got up to get our stuff. Then he had started crying. He stared at me crying. I hugged him and he held me tightly. He was crying so hard... We left the gym holding hands (or rather, I was holding three of his fingers. Unnecessary fact) and we walked down the hallway like that. I don't know where Jaden was. I figured she just gave up.

I can't remember the second dream now.... Fuck... All I know was he was in it again and we ended up back together again.

I still wonder what would happen if I died at school. The latest thought is taking my new weapon and just laying in the corner and stabbing myself multiple times.

He probably doesn't care anymore. I should just give up, but in my mind, I'm still fighting and it hurts. I just need to stop fighting. I need to give up. Even if it's just this one thing.

0.0

Confrontation: Avoided

I know he means well, but he couldn't see that I was uncomfortable.

He just kept touching me.

He put his hand on my knee and I about freaked out.

I wanted him to leave me alone.

I just had both earbuds in with my music very loud.

I tried to walk faster than him. I tried to get to class quickly. He just kept touching me. Arm on my shoulders, tried grabbing my shoulders. Kept trying to ask me what's wrong.

I tried drawing. I was trying to draw a picture for my favourite song right now (Bluebird). I was doing fine and then it vanished from my mind as soon as he sat down next to me.

He was sitting too close. I was getting claustrophobic. My heart started racing and I couldn't think. I tried focusing on the music and my drawing, but my mind was just blank.

I tried to walk away from him as fast as I could. I wanted to yell at him to leave me be. To go back to the activity gym. I knew that would cause a scene though. There were a lot of people around...

I wanted to run from him. And just run. Run, run, and run.

All I want to do is run now.

Things aren't getting any better...

I need help guys...

Well Fuck...

Well fuck...

Thank you Jack for showing me that.

Slade had taken one of my pictures on Google+ and posted it and said "sorry i was gone for so long guess. its just after zach and i broke up i went in to a black hole of depression.
but i have a girlfriend now.
like a real girl!
i love you "

No. I don't want this. No. No. No. No.

Second Post for the Win?

(So pre-note: I finally finished a post before school ended. Even before I got to halfway done with school!)

So I went on my main email on my computer for a form for school. I hadn't done that in a while. Guess who's on that main email...

I was looking through old messages and emails and shit.

I was a fool who had fallen dangerously in love....

And I want to be in love again.

But I don't have that with Slade.

It's like he's there, he cares, he hugs me and holds me, but I feel rigid in his arms. I don't feel at home.

I've completely lost feeling of that other soul. But I feel something else.

I'll know I'm in love when I can sing happy songs with them and we're just having a merry time without a care. And they don't care if it's a Christina Perri song, Panic! At The Disco, or whatever.

I feel like next year there's hope for love. No more fears, just love.

I have so many fears with Slade, it hurts.

I know he cares, but the fear is still there.

I don't want to be afraid.

I don't want to be scared.

I don't want to cry any more...

I want the tears to stop.

I just wanna die...

Irrational Fears

So the self harm isn't getting any better. There are a few on my chest, there's still the scars on my arms, and theres one on the inside of my thigh on my left leg, probably more to be added soon.

Last night I was in the shower and the thought of the pills came up again in my head. They were just right there. And I know how much is in the bottle because I'm the only one that uses the ibuprofen.

Then there's the thoughts about Slade. I know he'll never hurt me on purpose and that he cares too much about me...

What if we get to that point in our relationship and he's too rough?

What if he won't listen when I tell him no?

What if he leaves marks on me and hits me?

All the bruises along with the scars....

Hap wants to go swimming this summer. It might be a while before I can wear my swim suit with confidence.

And now Slade is being bothersome because I'm in my "brooding" mood and I just don't want to tell him everything.

Well all know what happened last time I put all my trust in someone.

He says he'll always be there. I can't trust that...

I just can't...

Stupid Fucking Headaches

I am suffering from a really bad sinus headache right now.... Urgh. I took ibuprofen, but it doesn't seem to be helping...

My phones isn't charging either.  Fuck. I need a new charger for that and my kindle.

I need to talk to Camren. I can't go through this. I just feel so.... calloused?

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to stand him touching me, like hugs and stuff.

I mean, we did it before, hug and have arms around each other, but recently, who knows how I'm gonna be.

I've actually created no touch zones. The touch zones are so small though. Very tiny sections on my waist, hands, sometimes my stomach? Sometimes Slade pokes my stomach and I'm fine with it, sometimes I just hold my stomach and just freeze.

The scars on my arms are now old. There's no new ones, partially due to the fact that I lost the scissors I was cutting myself with.

This headache is really bad.

Distance

1) I've now gone back to naming my posts after songs. This time there are gonna be some Christina Perri songs
2) Now I'm back down to the depressive episodes.

Prom was ok. The dance could have been better, but post prom was so much fun. I was kind of glad fuckface wasn't there, but then again, why did I want him to be there? Why do I want him to look at me when I'm not looking?

I don't even feel like I'm dating Camren. It feels really weird. I'm scared. I was so ready to break it off and run away this weekend. TJ told me to give it time. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm also still confused about Slade. I'm scared that I'm rushing into these relationships and then I might not be ready to go along and that I might be too slow to things but I'm scared. I'm really scared.

And then I still have to deal with the stupid Ginger. Ugh. He sounds stupid when he talks.... Ugh.

So that's my little update for today.

Catching Up

So it's been a while since I last posted. I started self-harming again. This time it's a lot worse. 15 cuts total on both arms. I don't like taking my jacket off in school and at home. I don't want certain people to see. The only people that know are Sam, Kristin, Hap, and Alejandra (I think that's how you spell her name). Hopefully I can avoid fuckface (I noticed I don't even bother capitalizing it. I guess it's not worth the effort) at prom. I should be good considering I'll be hanging around all my amazing friends. Our group keeps growing.

I finally saw him again today at Game Club. The overday is coming up. I'm not going this semester. I've already started planning a mini party to just hang out with friends. I mainly want to hang out with Hap and co.

People keep saying I should date Slade. They tell me I should give him a chance. Every time I think about it though, it stresses me out.

I'm Done

I'm breaking. I'm completely done with life. I had another panic attack last night. I had more thoughts. It had been a while. I thought about stabbing myself again. This time at school. Just let the blade slowly work it's way in. Collapse in the area where my friends hang out. Just die right there. My last words were "I'm free". I was finally free. Free from the chains I was entangled in. I'm done with this life. I want to start anew. I hate this life. It sucks and it hurts so much. I can't stand to be around him. His girlfriend just walked into the activity gym and my heart dropped. My panic attacks are getting worse and worse. Who knows, I might have one everyday or maybe multiple ones per day. I've given up on looking for my "soul mate" or someone who can save me. I've given up on school and my future. I can't see myself in college. I can't see myself past high school. Past this year... I give up.... I finally give up.

Soul Searching

So last night, I felt the urge to sing all the love songs (and I did. Well the ones playing on my playlist). It was strange because it still hurts. Then I got this urge that someone was wanting to come into my life. Like their soul was searching for mine. It was weird. I could feel it all over my body. Then I got to school today and it went away. He still bothers me. At least I can look at him without freaking out, or rather look at him for a short period of time. My mind is still telling me that I miss him. I know that's not true. I don't miss him. I just miss the things we used to do. All the cuddling and kissing. The joking around and hanging out. Spending late nights watching movies... This is awful. I guess I'm just going through a lonely phase. I still can't talk to him. Even thinking about it gives me anxiety. I just want someone to hold me. I want someone to hold me, make my anxiety to go away. I want them to tell me "everything is going to be ok" and mean it. "Everything will be ok because you're alive and you have friends and people that care." I just need someone to hold me...

Not quite the shortest post ever on here

So I broke down this morning. Gawd, it was awful. These dreams are getting to me. Definitely need to talk to my therapist about this. Everything is starting to irritate me a bit more... Gawd.... I'm sorry if this post is too short, there's not much else to talk about really on here...

My Fucking Dreams pt. 2

Fuck. I took a nap and had another dream. This time wasn't as bad. School was starting and I was avoiding him, but he had started texting me saying he wanted to talk to me in person. He felt really horrible about all the events that had happened. Then he sent long texts apologizing and whatnot. Then he went and said he wanted to fix things and ends things on a good note, but not like what had happened at Formal, but a true goodbye. I rolled my eyes at all his texts and continued with whatever I was doing in hoemroom

My Fucking Dreams

Fuck... My dreams are becoming more frequent. I can't deal with this anymore. My anxiety is rising again. Last night, my head decided to get crafty with me.

I was at school, sitting at a different table than we normally do and -he- was sitting at it too. I was sitting next to him. Next thing I know it, he has fangs and starts biting people, turning them to vampires. Then he bites me because he wants me to be with him. That changes my mind set to be crazy about him. We start changing people in our school's courtyard. A shield goes up on the entrance to the area to keep us in. Then my dream starts getting really weird and not important. But I was hanging all over him and he knew he had me and that I was completely hooked.

Then I woke up and had the song "Missing Piece" by Forgiven Durden from the album Razia's Shadow: A Musical playing in my head. Here are the lyrics:

[Ahrima (played by Thomas Dutton)]
What a splendid mess!
O the Scientist, and his Genesis.
He overlooks my gift and then I think 
She's the only who knows what I could have done.
I must be patient.
They will realize what I know inside.
I was meant to lead this world to greater things;
It's my destiny.

Everything seems to fade when I see her face.
The sky and trees all blur everytime I look at her!
Nobody understood me till her eyes fixed upon me.
My puzzle life's complete, now that I've found the missing piece!

[Nidria (played by Lizzie Huffman)]
Don't you worry, boy, it's a waste of time.
Place your hand on mine, untie your mind.
We'll just float away into the day.
You're not the only one who thinks they're falling in love.
You must be patient.
They will realize what I see inside.
You were meant to lead this world to greater things;
It's your destiny.

[Ahrima (played by Thomas Dutton)]
Everything seems to fade when I see her face.
The sky and trees all blur everytime I look at her!
Nobody understood me till her eyes fixed upon me.
My puzzle life's complete, now that I've found the missing piece!

O, you're the meaning!
Nidria, please listen, I'd like to explain.
I should have told you sooner, it's been gnawing at my brain.
My mind's in knots, it's got me lost, 
Please help me through the maze.
'Cause you're the key, the lock turning,
The breaking of these chains!

[Nidria (played by Lizzie Huffman)]
Everything seems to fade when I see his face.
It seems all the stars turn down everytime I look at him!
Nobody understood me till his eyes fixed upon me.
My puzzle life's complete, now that I've found the missing piece!

[Ahrima (played by Thomas Dutton)]
Everything seems to fade when I see her face.
The sky and trees all blur everytime I look at her!
Nobody understood me till her eyes fixed upon me.
My puzzle life's complete, now that I've found the missing piece!

[The Narrator (played by Aaron Weiss)]
Ahrima, the most gifted serif, the utmost skilled of the cherubs, 
He felt his aptitude and slate were being misused. Shamed, he repined this to O the Scientist, 
Who replied with a calm face...expressionless.

[Ahrima (played by Thomas Dutton)]
Dream with your eyes closed...
Try and pluck the pearl from your bones...
Dream with your eyes closed...
Try and pluck the pearl from your bones...

And that's not a song I want in my head after a dream like that. 

These dreams are becoming more frequent. The one before this one was only earlier this week and then the one before that one was a couple weeks before. I'm getting really scared. I had a friend say that maybe I need to talk to him so the dreams would stop, but I don't want to talk to him and it would only give me an anxiety attack.

Fuck.... What am I to do?

Bittersweet

The dreams are back. This time there was no question. It just went straight to sex. I tried to talk to him in my dream too. His face was so clear in my dream. I just want all of that to go away. I just want to move on. I'm trying, I really am. I don't think I have a chance with Hap. He just doesn't seem to interested in dating, that or he just doesn't put out any signs of interest. I'm still gonna tell him I like him soon. The musical is this weekend. I'll tell him after then.

Happy Days Once Again?

I'm finally able to ignore Fuckface so much more right now. I tend to focus more on Hap now and other things. I'm finally going to Nebkon! I can't stop thinking about Hap. I really like him. I was talking to Mikey about it and I almost said love. I haven't used that word like that in a while. All these old habits and feelings. I just need to focus on how I'm gonna tell Hap that I like him and making three cosplays for Nebkon and just trying to survive the rest of my junior year. Gawd, I just want summer break to come already so I can get out of this hell hole.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco more because of Hap. Even songs I haven't even heard of! I also found Razia's Shadow: A Musical. I'm using it for my Theatre 4 portfolio. It's fantastic and I want everyone to go find it and give it a try!

Frozen 2.0

So, the movie with Hap went super well. He really likes Frozen (yay!) and was even (minorly) freaking over little things that happened in the movie. Then we spent about two-ish hours wandering the mall just talking. He's such a sweetie pie! Gawwww! I've been gushing since Friday. Ooooooooooh my gawd. This guy.... *gushes to death*

Movies and Fuck

So, today is my friendly meeting with Hap. We're gonna go see Frozen. He's never seen it and I want to see it again (mainly because the last time I saw it, there were some, disturbing things going on). Hopefully, I can just sit there and just watch the movie. Gawd, I hope I don't cry today....

I need to find out if Emily is coming over today or tomorrow.

Fuck... This week is going by too fast.

I finally told Slade last night that I would never date him. I told him I needed me time. I don't know how long it will take though. He's such a sweet guy. Ugh...

I think the loneliness is setting in. Fuck.

I really don't wanna cry anymore. He just keeps popping up though. Hopefully this summer will be less of him.

Recently, I keep day dreaming/dreaming that he's gonna assault me, but I'm all badass and protect myself and he's just an ass and shit.

He's never hit me, but he has hurt me in multiple ways.

I need to stop. I need to stop thinking about him. I just need to focus on me. It's not really working.

Four fucking years..... I still wish I could completely erase him from my mind. Forget everything about him.

I need to take a shower and do some more laundry...

I guess I'll talk to you guys later.

Fuck... Fuck... Fuck...

These dreams still bug me. At least I had one where I prevented a chick from going out with him... It's just so weird. I wish I could forget who he was and everything that had happened. Maybe I would be a lot better than I am now. That's my wish. To forget everything about him. Making him not even a blip in my memory. Fuck...Psychology is boring today because it's the end of the semester.... He's still there.... I wish he would go away. Maybe I'll hit my head this weekend and I'll get my wish. I'll forget everyone, but because of contacts and facebook, I'll remember everyone right away but him and he'll be permanently erased from my brain. That would be nice.... Fuck this. Fuck all of this...

Fuck All the Exes

It's sooooo awkward! I mean, having to sit at the same table as him. I want to sit with my friends and talk to them! I could go move to another table, but in my head, that just shows I'm weak and fragile and I'm still broken inside. I brought Cards Against Humanity to school yesterday and every time I set up a game, he just so happen had to join. I hated it. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to deal with him. He's not funny and all his jokes are just... UGH!

Good news: I've started singing aloud more often. I used to hate singing, but now it's enjoyable. I don't care if I'm a horrible singer, I will sing! I'll listen to the BBC's playlis on Spotify and if he's around, I tend to sing more. A lot of the songs are "fuck you" or "I'm soooo better off without you" kind of songs.

I wish he'd go back to being the scrawny kid with no friends, like he was before I started dating him. It'd be better that way for EVERYONE. Even my friends call him an asshole. It's so frustrating.

I have a "date" with Hap next Friday... We're gonna go see a movie. I get to pick. I'm so nervous. I really like this guy. He's so easy to talk to and he just makes me smile so much. It'd probably be a better relationship if we do start going out because he have that space provided by going to different schools. Maybe Erin will approve. She'll be happy to know I've been doing a lot better since my last session. I have to tell her what happened that awful night.... *sigh* She'll probably be happy to know I've been trying to keep myself busy too. I love going in to see her. She helps so much. I can just rant and rant and rant and she'll be patient with me and she totally gets what I'm going through. She even said my relationship with Mr. McDoucheBagDickFace was unhealthy.

I need to hang out with Reine and co. again. I'll talk to her and see if there's a meet up next weekend. I'll take Sam too, if she wants to go. It'd be a blast!

I wonder what Hap is doing... I'm talking to him, but he's taking a bit to respond... I didn't get to talk to him last night because of work... I want this. I really do.


I'll blog again later at some random day. Maybe if I have time this weekend between work and college prep stuff and math. I'm failing Pre-Calc honors right now. I have a D+. I failed my two part test. I told Mrs. Terry I'd do test corrections this weekend and she wants me to do some extra problems to double check to make sure I know the material. I hate these higher level math classes... I gotta go now. Mum is on her way here.

Spreading My Wings and Finally Soaring

So after a nice weekend doing stuff I like with amazing friends, I can feel my wings stretching out after four years of being chained down and I am taking flight. I may have done some not so good life choices, but at least I had the freedom to do them. I am now a "take no shit from anyone" bitch. You degrade my friends, you'll get the wrath of an angry Evie. The friends I have now I will be very protective on. I will list those friends now:

Sam H.

Kristin U.

Reine D.

Ari W.

Jon S. (the poor lost puppy)

Noah G.

Roxy

Anyone in BBC (not the british tv network)

Marissa S.

TJ R.

Emma M.

Zach B.

Blake Slademan (because I do what I want)

Callie C.

DJ T.

Jesse C.

Hap H.

Joey H.

Claire M.

Anita P.

Ian B.

Emily W.

Michael V.

And even though some of them don't need protection, I swear to Nyx, you start messing with them and putting them down (the fires of hell raise up and dark music begins to play). These are my friends and most of them have been to hell and back along with me and I don't want them going back again. You have problems with me or my friends, then you have every right to leave. I love each and every single one of them and they have been brought to me with the help of Nyx and they have been their for me and I intend to protect them with my every being. Most people can comprehend the amount of love and respect and adoration I have for these people. 

Anxiety the Killer

I don't want to be at school anymore. I'm so tempted to transfer. Every time I see him, I'm either so close or I have an anxiety attack. I can't calm down. His stupid smug on his face. I should've kicked him out. I never should've talked to him in the first place. I can't be around my friends, I can't hang out in game club. At least they made him change homerooms and I can be in my homeroom now. I wanna move on, but it hurts so much.

It doesn't help that I have all these confusing feelings... Slade still has a crush on me and though I don't want to hurt his feelings, I can't date him. And there's a girl (I won't say who) who I'm so confused with. Then there's Hap. I'm not gonna date for a while though.

I know Slade cares and he wants me to feel better and get over all of this, but he gets too touchy and I guess I forget to communicate and so I get mad when I don't want to be touched anymore. It's really difficult because I know he likes me and I don't want to lead him on..... UGH!!!!! ....................


Side note: I'm finally starting to get things together for my YouTube channel! I talked to a friend for a commision for my logo and icon. I may keep her as a partner for future things (as I have no digital art ability and I don't mind paying her, she's awesome and she's willing to help me out. I can also help her out by promoting her and giving her more business).

I can't post anymore of a current situation on here anymore (or at least till it's forever from now). It makes me so mad because I need to rant, I need to vent. But no, I can't even do that. I just have all these feelings and they're taking away my ways of releasing them one by one. UGH!!!!

The dance was yesterday. I was so excited. I got ready and looked badass. He wanted to talk to me towards the end. He wanted to lay some things down to rest. He actually went to the dance, I was surprised. Gawd, it bothered me so much how he would walk back and forth, always checking his phone. At least I had fun dancing with friends and just being awesome. Battle of the Bands was ok.

We went to my car early. We got in and he started talking. I broke my promise and broke his trust. We both started crying. I had abandoned him. Apparently, the freshmen chick wasn't his gf, she was just someone there when I failed to be. She was just someone there for him to talk to. All  the anger and regret was hitting me. I couldn't handle it. He was crying so hard and was so hurt, it hurt me and I just felt horrible because I did this. I caused all this pain and suffering. I couldn't handle it anymore. I got out and I took my shoes off and threw them to the ground. I was so mad at myself. I collapsed to the ground, I was just done with everything. He followed me out and picked me up. We went back to the car, he set me in the back seat. I was screaming. It hurt so much. He kept touching me, and I didn't want it to end. The hugs, he tried to kiss me, but I was so upset. He said he needed me to be there for him. He said that we needed each other, no matter the situation. I didn't know whether or not to slap him and kick him out or to kiss him. He told me it was my choice. I was so confused. I just wanted him. I finally kissed him, I missed it so much. He pulled me onto his lap and I wrapped my arms around him. He then laid me down and I was his sex thing for one last time. I cried again. There was so much pain. So much emotional pain. We finally had to leave and I didn't want to. It always ends like this. It's awful. 

I got home and talked to him some more. How can he be so comforting in person, but so mean over text. He told me I could talk to him, but when I try to, he just gets so angry and gets mean. I can't let other people touch me like I let him. I can't let other people in. I haven't built my walls yet. How much longer must I cry?