Stressed Out (I need help paying for shit)

I’ve been afraid to do this and have been thinking about it for a while, but I need some help. 

My mum is going to stop receiving child support money from my dad and she needs all the money she earns from her job to support my younger sister and stay in the house she’s had since 1993. 

Here’s why I need help: I’m in college current;y and I couldn’t get enough scholarships to help pay off college and so I owe this $1200 each semester this year. I’ve ask my dad for some help to pay off some of it this semester, but he’s always upset when I have to ask for a little financial help. So I’m on my own with all of this.

I’m starting a job soon but all my paychecks are going to be pouring into school with little going into gas for my car and barely maintaining it.

I won’t have money for food or basic necessities like shampoo, body wash, and toothpaste to keep up my hygiene, and needed medication and birth control/contraceptives. 

I need to also start saving up for emergency funding and to save up to rent an apartment. 

Renting the apartment will help lower my school expenses as well as it might be cheaper for me. I’ll especially need the money as my fiance just got sworn into the Air Force and we don’t know when he’ll be able to move down with me.

I mainly need help getting back on my feet and eventually after I get stable, help my mum and sister out.

Here’s how you can help!

I have two links for you guys to check out

Here’s my paypal link for you send money directly to me

Here’s my wishlist if you want to donate gifts. (Please note that the more expensive stuff is meant for my dad and are at the bottom because they are not a priority but need to be considered for the future. Please consider the money sent to paypal if you have one and the Hy-Vee gifts cards to help me get food)

If you are mailing donations, please send them to my temporary dorm address at

Stevie Allison

4801 E. University Dr.

114B Scanlon Hall

Saint Joseph, MO

64507

What do you get?

Any type of donation, big or small, can get either a flower crown custom made to their style (fall, spring, pinks, blues, greens, any theme) OR a drawing of their favourite character or a drawn portrait of almost any picture (no nudes or graphic content). If you made some kind of donation, please comment with your reward and and way I can contact you privately.

Please, if you can’t donate, please share. I don’t like doing these kinds of things, but the help is very much appreciated.

House of Gold

Ugh....

I'm more homesick than ever.

My mum, sister, and Cory came down to visit on Family Day and my gawd I missed them so much.

Cory and I took a nap after the football game while my mum went to grab some food and I felt at peace sleeping in his arms.

And now that he's sworn into the Air Force, I don't know how I'm going to cope.

I'm really broke, I don't start my job for another week, and I owe the school $1000 still.

I'm trying to look into setting up my paypal so I can receive donations so I can pay off my tuition for this semester and start saving up so I can rent out an apartment.

The apartment Cory found is really nice and for a two bed/two bath, it's decent pricing ($663 and if we think about adding cats, it's a $200 fee with $15 added on each month).

I've been stressing out so much and I'm missing homework assignments because of it. I don't have the motivation to do homework.

I've started getting minor suicidal thoughts again. I've been tired all the time and I just want to lay in bed all day.

The only time my mood is even lifted to a bearable level is when I hang out with the small group of friends I joined down here.

I want to find people to live with in the apartment down here to help pay rent, but I don't know who would be willing and who would be compatable with us.

Uuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........................................

Stressed Out

I haven't been feeling well this week, but it's not a physical ailment. I'm not sick, but I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I don't want to go to my classes and not even my oral communications class or psych give me the encouragement to go. My showers might be getting longer and I don't even want to hang out with the group of friends I've made anymore. I want to go home.

I feel tired all the time.

6 more minutes left of class...

I want to curl up next to Cory and just stay there. I want our own place together. I want to go home...

I'm a fucking idiot

I was taking a bath and I thought, "why don't I be sexy and send my boyfriend a pic because I trust him enough" and what do you know? I dropped my fucking phone in the tub.

Full of water.

Fuck.

It's been in a bowl of rice and I don't know how it is because I'm afraid to look.

If my dad finds out and it's broke, I'm dead.

No more phone.

No car probably.

Lots and lots of yelling.

Fuck.

Looking Up

Today was ok.

Fuckface was open with me this morning as usual.

I just sat with Emma at a different table and talked to her.

Turned out I missed my meeting with my comp teacher second mod...

Made it up after school though and got a B on my paper.

I hate chem at the moment.

Creative Writing, Grinvalds would not stop talking.

In Comp, I was talking to Jesse, and dear Nyx I thank you for guiding me to this great guy.

When we were working on annotating our sources, we were talking and he made me so happy I actually cried.

We were talking about how problematic some of the guys are in our group and he was saying all the things fuckface was that I've been trying to tell people for a year.

A YEAR.

But I was so happy because he and others in the group are seeing all the bullshit he's been pulling for years.

And it's not just him.

There are a couple others that we have problems with. Even Jesse says that we've tried reasoning with them and force is out of the question, so our only option is to leave them as friends.

It's come to the point that multiple people, especially the females, in our group have gotten hurt not and everyone is done.

A year, guys. A whole fucking year.

This is why I love Jesse as a friend.

So many feelings had just been validated in that mini discussion in class. I don't know if Jesse knows how much that means to me. To have my feelings be validated by people who have been my friends for years. To have people finally realize they can't side with manipulators because that is what fuels the problem.

Thank you Jesse (if you read this) so much for giving me such a strong emotion I'd never thought I would ever feel. Right before we finally leave high school.

*Maybe this title will change later*

I did it. But not really?

Ugh, I over slept and I have work in an hour and 10min and still have to take a shower.

I did not sleep THAT well.

My nose won't stop running and my throat feels like there's a giant ball of air in it.

I had the worse sinus headache last night as well.

My coughing fits are back as well.

Hold on, I'm now getting in the shower.

Ok. 48min till work.

I just calculated my hours this ONE week: 14.41hours so about $131 gross and maybe $115 net?

So yay.

That's does not include my hours next week. I know which day I'm suppose to work, but who knows if I'm filling in as well.

Ugh. I hate this ball in my throat.

41min.

Look at all the tangents I went on. Woops.

So, the first line.

Guess who was back in my dreams.

The dreams were a little strange, but he was still there.

Stuff happened blah blah and then we were all in a room together. Him, a handful of our friends, and me. It was all the friends that secretly didn't like him as much (which is true in real life). He was chatting with the one friend to which that fact wasn't true and just laughing so loud and being obnoxious in the room. Everyone else was silent, like we were waiting for some dreaded message or mission. Like we were waiting to be told to kill someone. He was still laughing and making jokes that were not appropriate for the aura and room. I was shaking and getting anxious. I was about to break down hardcore. Then I broke. I screamed at him "No one cares! No one likes you and we all want you out of this damn room!" (Something along those lines) He stared at me. Then he walked out of the door with the friend. Then my mind did a movie thing and showed that he and the friend only walked out and leaned against the wall just to the side of the door. But I was shaking so much and my vision had gone blurry. I lost all balance and couldn't walk. Everyone rushed to me, trying to help me and I walked out of the room and collapsed.

Then my dream shifted to other stuff.

Half an hour.

So, progress, but not really.

The annual winter dance is coming up. It's on the fifteenth this year, the day after Valentine's Day. I want to go with Cory, but I also want to bring Joe. I'm sure Cory will be fine with it. He'll understand. I don't want a repeat of myself at prom and when prom comes around, I don't want a repeat then either.

20min

I just want to feel better and not have to worry so much but I can't.

New Songs!

Hey!

So Fall Out Boy's newest album got fully released so I'll have new songs as titles for you guys to check out.

I'm excited for this album and I only have one song left to listen to for the first time.

Love ya guys!

(Especially you Kristin)

<3

Emergency

 The dreams are coming back. This does not help me currently. Ugh.

We were at school. Sitting in the courtyard for lunch. The room was abnormally empty. We were sitting at the table a little ways from our normal tables. He was sitting next to me and it had seemed to me that I was back. I sat at the table, somewhat emotionless as my friends chattered. He had his hand on me. Then, he moved it down, down to where he shouldn't be. I didn't do anything though, I didn't react. I was emotionless. One of the teachers noticed and scolded him, making him move across the table from me. He would move back though. The teacher scolded him again. I got up and went with a friend to finally get food. Walking back, the teacher was scolding him again and was keeping him there past the end of school. The teacher left and as I was walking by, he had gotten down on the floor, below the tables, to leave the school with me. He was army crawling to keep up with me as I made my way to the exit through our courtyard. The teacher saw him and began his scolding again. He looked at me with a plea and I looked at him, with my emotionless face, and continued walking out the school, waiting for a ride. The rest became abstract and not worth ging into detail about. Just know he kept trying to chase after me, and all I could do was run.

Is this who I'm becoming though? This emotionless being that no longer can feel love? I don't know.

I've been kinda distant from Cory. He's been really touchy feely and I've been on the opposite end. I've had to tell him multiple times not to be as it only makes me feel worse. He thinks something wrong but I've told him that I'll have days like this. I think he got spoiled because this hasn't really happened in the amount of time we've been dating. I don't know what to do because he gets hurt when I pull away. *sigh* I don't know.