It's Almost Halloween

(Actual Panic! At The Disco Song)

Halloween is today (didn't realize I'm still up past 11:30pm).

I'll be going as a bit of Harley Quinn today for school, Sailor Jupiter for Nebkon Saturday, and I'll wear a pretty silver Chinese dress Sunday.

I'm excited because I'm seeing friends again as well as meeting new ones (like Dan).

Uhmmmm...

Me and Cory are something.... 

I don't know what we are right now. Kristin said we're comfortable best friends. I don't know. But I kind of like not knowing where we stand with each other. It makes me less anxious. 

I think I have some "relationship anxiety". I had the same issues with Slade and Camren. But I do want to be next to him.

Grayson got him to smoke e-cigs... I hate it... He said he doesn't smoke much and he's gotten better since he started (he used to carry it on his person now it stays in his car). I still don't like it. I'm trying to quit. Drinking I'm trying to keep minimal (except for maybe this weekend). I don't know.

I broke down pretty bad Tuesday night and only talked to Cory about it (or rather, the part where I was still anxious about g and not the whole "I miss sitting next to your stupid face and messing around").

Then I broke down again Thursday morning.

I went to sit next to Cory and talk to him and friends and g came over before I got a chance to even speak a word and I broke. I was still crying after first mod. I was finally able to talk to him during passing period. We were both late to class, but he said I was more important. 

I know I'm not that important... but... I don't know... I'm tired and I have to be ready for Nebkon this weekend. 

Night.

<3

Immortals

I am now 18....

This is crazy!

There's so much I can do....

Yet.... It doesn't feel right.

I dunno.

Everything is just gonna be so different.

TiMER

So.... a friend of mine suggested that I watch TiMER, a movie about finding soul mates.

What happens is that scientists created this timer that used sensors in your dominant arm to count down when you'll meet "the one". It only counts down to the midnight before you meet them. Then, when you make eye contact, the timers are suppose to beep.

Well, the ending made me bawl my eyes out because it wasn't exactly happy.

Now I'm laying here, 2 1/2 hours into my 18th birthday, pondering the movie and just....

I wanna find my stardust mate, but I also want to do casual things and I just....

I don't know how to feel.

It was a great movie and I suggest everyone watch it.

20 Dollar Nose Bleed

My ex is still an idiot.

His girlfriend doesn't help.

My friends are insensitive.

My anxiety is through the roof.

My knife is still under my pillow.

Still not sure my boyfriend fully understands my anxiety with him.

Afraid of losing friends.

Ugh.....

Oh, btw, here are those confessions I mentioned about, oh, in the summer....

"I'm an idiot.

I just want to be hugged and never let goed by that one person, but who are they and where are they at? I want to know...

I don't know if I still love g, but I do know my heart still races every tiem I see his face or name.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think about having a sexual relationship with Slade, but I know in my soul it's not right. But I still wonder...

I want to lay in bed with them and sleep all my troubles away.

Camren is a cutie and I would like to know what it would be to truly date him, but it turns me off that he doesn't have a car or a job and it makes me feel awful. I'm just an awful friend and no one should trust me. They should all leave me alone.

I know Hap just wants to be friends, but I really do have the biggest crush on him as well as a record of having trouble letting things go, but in my mind, he's just perfect and he's been so nice to me...

I dream of bumping into my stardust mate, but it will never happen, but I still dream.

I hate myself.

I'm so scared of my future. I don't know if I'll make it. I know I could never be a stay at home mum.

I want someone to cuddle with and just shower me with love. I guess I'm just so lonely...

I keep dreaming about guys that will treat me with respect and lots of love, but I have doubts that they will ever come true and that I won't find someone who was meant for me...

I keep thinking about hurting myself or attempting again because I keep thinking about how utterly useless I am to anyone."

I might add new confessions and post them on here later. 

I'm going to my aunt's again so there might definitely be new ones on here.