So I know most of you don't know me that well...
But, I wanted to make a post on here instead of my other blog.
Umm….. I know it’s late and I should probably get some sleep… I’ve been staying up tonight to watch some more OITNB. But um… This past episode I saw, episode 9 of season two… Don’t worry, I’m not gonna post spoilers for those that are taking it slow. But um… It was the first episode that made me cry in a while. There’s this part and I don’t know if I’m just overly tired or if I’m actually this lonely. But I cried and I still feel like crying after I finished the episode.
I don’t know what got into me. I thought things were going so well, but I guess not.
I guess things weren’t going well to begin with when, who I thought was a friend, started asking me about sex and trying to get me to do something that I didn’t want to do and I finally stood up for myself. But it was in a passive way. I just told him I’m demisexual and he hasn’t spoken since.
I guess the next thing was when my friend kissed me without my permission. Yes we were sort of cuddling, but that was just it. He knew that there was no hope with me. I didn’t want all the extra stress of constant worry of if he’s gonna hurt me, accidentally or not. He just turned to me and said “Please don’t slap me for this” and then kiss me. The scariest part, I went blank and kissed back. I’ve had this constant struggle of “Do I like him or not” and it is the main reason why I’m not with him. Sometimes I want to be with him and sometimes I don’t and I don’t want to put him or anyone in the kind of situation. That’s only gonna hurt them and I can’t deal with hurting anyone I care about.
I guess the thing that might have pushed me though, is talking to my ex’s current girlfriend. She’s such a nice girl and she’s so sweet. She’s dealing with some mighty hefty deamons herself. I don’t know. While I was talking to her, I was so filled with anger and I felt so cold. I didn’t want to seem that way to her because she has done nothing wrong to me and she doesn’t deserve that attitude towards her. She seems happy in this and I just want people like her to be truly happy in their lives. I just felt so cold and I felt like I didn’t want to talk to her. I wanted to have a conversation though. I tried so hard to have one too. I guess it’s hard talking to the person that has the one you thought you loved for four years and you might think you’re still in love but you’re trying your best to get over things and move on and make things better for yourself.
I don’t know why I’m crying. I guess I still feel broken and I still have pieces to pick up. I’m probably lonely, seeing all my friends in relationships or friends having it “easy” with guys falling for them and they get flustered with the fact that they like ONE but still have the others around “just in case”.
I don’t know guys. I’m waiting. I’m definitely waiting for that one person. I’m not gonna spend my summer searching for that person. I’m just gonna wait. I have these weird feelings of like I can sense their soul and I can tell when they’re really close, but I haven’t met them yet. I guess it’s one of the things still keeping me hoping. Just hoping something good will come around and help me see this new light.
This has just turned into one big ramble. I’m sorry guys. I’m just trying to deal with things instead of pushing them aside or hiding them away. The last time I did that, it didn’t turn out so well. I’m just trying to cope with things I never really dealt with in the first place.
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