Let It Go

After a long, but very helpful talk with my friend Reina, I’ve decided to tell my story on this tag. 

So a little background info about me, Evie. I grew up in a “broken” household. My parents have been divorced since I was two. My mum had my sister two years later. Growing up, I’ve had to deal with the stress of being split between two parents and my sister did not. My dad verbally and emotionally abuses me. I have reason to believe my mum emotionally abuses me as well. I am now 17 years old.

So now. I went through a really bad breakup with my boyfriend almost two weeks ago. And here is our story:

I met him in seventh grade. He was dating a friend of mine. When they broke up, I was mad at him. I didn’t like him very much. On March 25th (a Thursday) of that school year, he asked me out after our gym class.In my head I thought, sure why not. I was really happy. Our very first date we kissed. A lot. We had both never kissed anyone before. We went on multiple dates after that. The end of the summer before our eighth grade year, we had plan to go see a movie together. I was late. No big deal, we saw the next showing. I can’t remember how long after that it was, but it wasn’t very long, he broke up with me. I can’t remember why, he claims he can’t even remember. I was devastated. I was talking to my friend since kindergarten when it happened. He was talking to me and asked me to go see a movie with him. We dated for about a month. I broke it off with him. It didn’t feel right and my heart was still set on my ex. We got back together for a bit when he broke up with me again. Another friend of mine asked me out and we had also dated for a month. Again it didn’t feel right and my heart was still set on my ex (my friend is now currently happy with a nice girl and they are very happy with each other). My ex and I got back together again, with a slue of on-agains-off-agains (one of which was me breaking up with him because I had a crush on a really flirtatious guy in one of my classes that I knew I never had a chance with). We enter ninth grade separated. A little bit in, and there was this new kid in our group. I thought I liked him (I just like new kids… :/ ). My birthday week, a really nice guy that I knew from class in middle school asked me out. It was the closest to the happiness I felt with my ex. He broke up with me on the Sunday after my birthday (I cried for about five minutes). After that, my ex and I got back together again. We decided to pick it back up from where we had left it instead of starting fresh. I think this is were the manipulation began. He taught me about blow jobs and my first one was in a park in his neighborhood with him. After that, things got more sensual. He told me about masturbation and other foreplay things. After winter break, we did it for the first time. Somewhere in that mess, he told me he had done it with some girl he had met while camping. Later he denied this fact and claims he was a virgin when we did it (I don’t know which one to believe. If only I can find that chat on yahoo). Earlier in the school year, I confirmed with myself that I was bi. After I had lost my virginity, I had my (ex)best friend over for a sleep over. I cheated on him with her. It still haunts me to this day. She was dating someone as well, but their relationship was very rocky. I couldn’t (still can’t) stand to be around her. My ex was upset, but decided to stay with me. After that, he started acting really weird. He would confuse me with a friend of mine who was also Asian (she is Vietnamese and I am Japanese). He would say that it was her that loved watching anime when really, that was me. He claimed he went to the doctor and they said that some chemical in his body was below it’s normal levels and they gave him a shot and it was fixed. From there to fall of sophomore year is a blur for me. I can’t remember what happened. Sophomore year, things seemed to be better. We went through one more break up, but we got back together homecoming night (we had slowed danced and we kissed and we left early and went by the baseball field and fucked). That Christmas he got a better phone than a cheapy flip phone and that when we started sexting. I know it’s illegal for our age, but we didn’t care. Well, he cared less than me. He’d always ask for pictures of me. We skyped all the time with us masturbating in the cameras, hiding everything when parents or siblings would walk around. There would be times where I wasn’t in the mood for pictures or I was simply too tired or it was a really bad time. He would get really upset. He’d get pouty and guilt me into taking pictures for him. I would go down to St. Louis to visit family (as my mum loves visiting her sister and getting out of Nebraska). He’d get really upset that I would leave the state and be really moody and that’s when things would be the worse. I would be crying all the time, or upset about some little thing that I was doing wrong. I’d always be the one crying after a fight, especially when I’m the one calling him out for some shit. I was always the one that was guilty. It was always my fault things were like this. By homecoming time of this year, junior year, we had made it one full year without any break ups. By then, we’ve had multiple fights and him telling me to do things this way. “Oh why won’t you hang out with Haliegh anymore? She used to be your best friend. You need to at least say hi to her.” “You need to hang out with Haliegh again.” More pictures were sent, more sex was had. More and more I was attached and all I wanted was him. By the end of last semester, I had a sophomore friend who had a huge crush on me and I didn’t know what to do. We had a little break (that I suggested because of some friend that had done it) and I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t let go. I was a huge mess. By then I had already self harmed three times. Again, for winter break that year, I had gone down to St. Louis to visit family for the holidays. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay home and visit with my ex. We had more brak downs while I was there. When I got back, things were ok again. We went to go see Frozen with my mum and sister. We sat in the back corner. In the middle of the movie, he was really horny. He whipped his thing out and started stroking it. I was worried because there were other people around and little kids. I caved in just to hurry things along. After that, things went downhill. He was acting very distant and he didn’t even want to talk to me anymore. He told me that he didn’t see our relationship lasting past high school. I was devastated. Then that Saturday, about two weeks ago, he broke up with me (he claims that I broke up with him, but it was really him). He told me he was unhappy and he was pretending. All I said was a simple “Fuck you”. So now I have gone to hell and back, having three mental breakdowns, the third one getting as bad as almost killing myself. But today (Feb. 6, 2014) I gave him a huge bag of all the stuff he gave over the years back to him. I am done. I am done with him toying with my heart. I am done being his sex toy.